too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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