The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
