Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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