I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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