Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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