Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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