Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
