i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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