im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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