Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
