I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
