Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
