before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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