Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we have officially lost it.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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