"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
time to smoke my breakfast
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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