I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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