No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
3 2 1 whiskey
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
