Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
