you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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