This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
