I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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