I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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