I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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