So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
