ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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