My first STD was from a foam party
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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