im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
