I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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