Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
