my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
