I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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