We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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