I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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