In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
