He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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