I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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