The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
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He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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