Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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