I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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