your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
