I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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