grandma shit on top of the toilet
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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