So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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