im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
