I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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