Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dick very happy bro
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
