just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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