i jhust puked up my retainher.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
