the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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