why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
