Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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