and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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