glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
