he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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