After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
