I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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