I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
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There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious