hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
